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Proud to be a candy scarfer

   I've always thought that people could be divided into two distinctly different categories - candy "holders" and candy "scarfers."
   Candy holders are people who put candy out in a jar in their homes. Candy scarfers don't - not because they don't want to, but because they are incapable of keeping their jars filled up.
   I am one of those incapable people - a scarfer. I've never understood those other types. How do they keep themselves from constantly invading their jars?
   A classic example of a candy holder is my grandmother. Every time I visit her house, she has candy sitting out. I instinctively seek out that glass jar. There's always some kind of candy inside (never anything healthy or low fat of course), and to my amazement, her jar is always full! Being the scarfer that I am, I eat whatever is inside, the only stipulation being that it has to be sweet or chocolate.
   Why is it so impossible for me and other scarfers to resist sweets, when some people don't seem to have that problem? (Could it be the result of growing up in a family of five that would fight over a measly piece of chocolate candy?) And I'd really like to know at what age certain people start having jars of candy in their homes?
   I used to think it was just something that grandmothers did or a courtesy that certain offices offered to their patients or clients as they were leaving. However, on a recent visit to a newly married friend's home, I was amazed to see a jar of candy in her apartment! It really caught me by surprise.
   You see, I have a lot of respect for people who can have candy in front of them (or in the same room for that matter) and choose not to eat it. I think it shows that a person has a great deal of control. Unless, of course, the person dislikes the candy - that's not control at all, it's just common sense. It would be equivalent to me having a jar full peas in my house. Seeing as I despise peas, I guarantee that the jar would always remain full.

   Which leads me to a few different conclusions or theories regarding these thrifty candy holders...

   (1) They deliberately buy candy that they don't like so they will be sure not to eat it, and appear (to other people) as if they were in control.
   (2) They use the candy as a cover or disguise, pulling the candy out of a locked closet when company comes over to make it appear as if they are the candy holder type, when actually they are not.
   (3) Or, these holders scarf down the candy as soon as their company leaves, then replace it with the same kind of candy, thinking to themselves, "Nobody will ever know."

   I suppose I will never truly know what goes on behind the closed doors of a candy holder. It will forever remain a mystery.
   So how did I ever come up with this outrageous topic in the first place? It was probably brought on by the sugar high I'm suffering from due to the half-pound bag of M&M's I just ate. I bought them in the store the other day and they never even made it to the glass jar!
   I guess I have a long way to go before I'll ever become a candy holder. Oh well, maybe I'll transform when I become a grandmother.
   But I highly doubt it!

The Herald-Dispatch, 1995

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